i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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