i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
