Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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