i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
This is my gift to your gina
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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