I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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