The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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