i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
