It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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