Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
