I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
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