I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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