thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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