In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
