I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
If I die, sorry about rent.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
