You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you mean i was at the winter classic?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
