Capitaan dildo arrescate!
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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