Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
