im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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