An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
