Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
