so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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