i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
