I wannas sexs uuuuu
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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