did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
tell me about the eggs
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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