I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
