You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
