On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
