I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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