Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
