Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
