My liver just broke up with me...
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
