Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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