Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
