Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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