Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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