considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
