Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
