Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
