You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
