I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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