I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
