I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
And then he peed in my hair
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