Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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