Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
