I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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