I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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