The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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