i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
