Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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