She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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