Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
