Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
