I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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