Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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